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women love. men dont.

March 2, 2012

men love women the way anyone who likes toast a lot might “love” a nice toaster.  its not the same thing as when women love men, or when women love other people.  thats real love.  there should be completely different words for them, but theres not.  this is deliberate.

dont fall for it. 

or, if you already have, try to get help, before its too late.

(this was written with someone in mind.  she fell for it; had a moment of clarity; and is now falling for it again.)  ugh.

  1. March 3, 2012 12:10 am

    Great imagery.

    Women are taught co-dependency from birth. They do not know how to be independent and self-caring because every time a girl expresses those ideals, they are shamed out of them, especially women from our older generations. I am one of them.

    It is hard to grow up being ridiculed every time you express an independent thought or demand respect for yourself. That was the common demoninator for our generation.

    Too many never were able to shed that ugliness. They internalized it and too many still are internalizing it. It takes a lot of learning and self-realization to make that leap. It also takes being realistic about your parents and their beliefs. They too were conned, but it’s so hard to admit that to yourself, especially if you are co-dependent. To refute what they believed, you have to be healthily independent.

    So women remain in dysfunctional, co-dependent relationships because they do not know or understand anything else. It breaks my heart, as it does yours.

    You’re right. The men they love do not deserve them and do not love them in return. These men have been taught women are not really human and are only alive to be used and abused by men. They know the words to use to keep their victims trapped. They know they cannot survive without their victims, that their victims are the strong person in the relationship, which is why they constantly beat down the self-esteem of their victims.

    Women who live with abusive men have to be strong. It’s a shame they do not realize how strong they are, how capable of survival on their own and how to value themselves first and foremost.

    But let’s name the real sickness: the real sickness is the culture that needs to victimize women.

  2. March 3, 2012 12:26 am

    thanks loretta. i remember when my mom was going through her divorce and subsequent battles over child support etc and she kept saying how evil my dad was, and that he was really really bad, comparatively speaking, and much worse than men in general. that she had gotten a bad one, in other words. and yes, the shit he put her through during and after the marriage was horrific, and he did some unspeakable things to his own children as well, and she just held fast to this belief (or dog-and-pony show for my benefit?) that he was exceptionally dastardly and talked about it all the time. and yes, people would shake their heads and fail to comprehend his actions when she told them.

    i wasnt even really a feminist then, but just statistically this didnt seem likely to me. i remember asking her what was the probability that my dad was the worst man in the world, or one of the worst, and pointed out that it was far more likely that he was essentially average. LOL can you picture that? this didnt seem to have a profound effect on her, but when i look back on it, it was probably the first radical insight i had ever had. and yet, i followed her down that same fucking road, always believing that i would partner with a man and that it was possible and even probable that i would have a good relationship with one, and that men were capable of love the way i was. this, of course, is the biggest lie ever. and none of it stopped her from marrying again either, and staying with the fucking bastard through thick and thin, when all the bad times were and are because of him, and the good times are because she makes them good, and ignores his bad behavior and gives him attention and affection that is completely undeserved, and not reciprocal. its infuriating, and heartbreaking.

  3. March 3, 2012 8:10 am

    Women’s love is certainly something special. I am fed by women in ways that men will never be able to do. In fact, men take. That is all they do. take. take. take. take. Until there is nothing left. Thus, my commitment to separatism. If only het women could realise this and feed off of other women at least.

  4. March 5, 2012 6:59 pm

    As you know, I’m just finishing up a book on The Earp Wives. Allie, who married Virgil, said, “For any woman, one good man’s plenty and one poor one’s too many.”

    I couldn’t agree with her more. Too bad more women don’t understand that. Allie, in an age when women commonly married in their early teens, didn’t marry unti 25. She supported herself until she found the right man for her.

    Like women of her day, the woman who waits and demands a good man is shamed in this day and age too. Women are taught to take anyone who offers because they may never get another offer. Part of that is shaming women into believing they are not good enough to deserve a good man.

    Your mom was taught to settle for any man who would have her. She was taught she is responsible for his bad behavior.

    I commiserate with her feelings about her first husband and wish she had them about her second. It’s okay for her to feel it as so deeply personal, just as it’s okay for you to see it in the broader context. They’re both important, viable concepts. Don’t forget: politics is the personal.

  5. March 14, 2012 11:39 pm

    These are very strong words, and surely most people would just dismiss it as “man-hating.” But my experience has been that I can relate to this. Even most women I know who are in “good” relationships with “good” men are not with men who *I* would not to be with. I’ve pretty much given up on men as well. What’s the point?

  6. March 14, 2012 11:40 pm

    *who I would want to be with.

  7. March 21, 2012 9:39 am

    men love women the way anyone who likes toast a lot might “love” a nice toaster

    LOL funny, but sadly true. Also, when the toaster gets worn out, or a newer shinier toaster comes onto the market, you can bet the old toaster will be thrown out without a second thought. Don’t expect any sentimentality for all the good toast that the old toaster provided over the years – it just won’t happen.

    i remember asking her what was the probability that my dad was the worst man in the world, or one of the worst, and pointed out that it was far more likely that he was essentially average.

    The modern divorce rate is about 50%, and in countries where divorce is readily available, most divorces are instigated by women. Men usually get remarried quicker (and most have a new “toaster” lined up already). So yes, they are pretty much the average dude, but women are brainwashed into thinking that good men are out there somewhere and think it just some bad luck that they keep ending up with duds. The chances of ending up with a truly good dude are statistically about the same as winning the lottery – and I don’t play the lottery either. It is probably no coincidence that there is little difference between the words “dud” and “dude”.

  8. Amananta permalink
    March 29, 2012 4:40 pm

    The idea that it is bad luck that women end up with “duds” is one of the kinder ones – more often a woman is told it must be her fault, she is clearly doing something wrong to bring so many bad men into her life. That’s if she’s honest about how bad the man she is with really is. most women will lie about their man and talk about how wonderful he is. Maybe they even think they are telling the truth. I have a little translator in my head now. When a “happily maried” woman gushes on the me about her husband, I usually do something like this:
    “Happily married” woman: “Oh my husband is great! He has a good job and he’s so awesome around the house, and so good with the kids, I couldn’t have a better man!”
    Translation: “My husband actually manages to work full time like a normal person (a woman) and occasionally does a dish or two and even throws his dirty socks near the hamper so I don’t have to go pick up ALL of them when I do the laundry after *I* get off from my own full time job. And on the weekends, sometimes he plays catch with the kids without screaming at them or beating them. In fact he doesn’t criminally abuse us at all the way he is entitled to by law, and he only watches porn on the internet every night instead of actually cheating on me, probably because his pot belly turns off most younger women and those are the only one’s he would have an affair with.”

  9. March 29, 2012 8:09 pm

    probably because his pot belly turns off most younger women and those are the only one’s he would have an affair with.”

    LOL! seriously. thats so true, these men are so deluded to think anyone would touch them if they didnt have to, or if the guy wasnt rich enough to make it worth her while. and they ALL ARE that deluded, its kinda hilarious (and terrifying).

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